James' Dirty Little Secret
by Giantitis
Summary: Sirius discovers that Lily isnt the only girl that James dreams about.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter etc etc etc. This was just a lil bit of fun between lectures which goes to show how much work I actually do…enjoy!**

James' Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 1

"I AM SO BORED!", Sirius yelled into his pillow, "Why is it so BORING? There is absolutely nothing whatsoever to do! Why doesn't anything interesting ever happen around here?"

A grunt of some sort came from under James' doona. Remus however, tramped over to Sirius and flung back the covers, "Well, maybe if you two didn't always sleep during the day, it wouldn't be so boring. I mean, look outside. It's a fabulous day! Why don't you go practise Quiddich or something? I'm sure there's at least something more interesting out there than listening to James' rendition of Rhapsody in Snore Major!"

"Are you suggesting that I expose my flawless and delicate skin to the horrifying light of the sun?" Sirius mused.

"I am merely suggesting that some fresh air would do you some good. You're becoming nocturnal."

"Oh, like you can talk!" Sirius replied synically.

Remus shrugged. Giving up on the little pessimist he retreated to the stairs and made his way down to the common room.

Sirius turned over on his side to shield himself from the cool morning breeze. Grabbing a pillow, he chucked it towards the bed next to him.

"James? Are you awake?" he hissed. James snored in reply. Creeping up off the bed, Sirius tiptoed over to James' bedside table. Leaning over James' face he whispered into his ear in a rather cooing girly voice,

"Oh Snooky Poopkins! Rise and shine!"

James grunted before shifting his body to face away from Sirius.

"Hmmm…I wonder…", Sirius thought out loud. Then morphing into his kanine form, Sirius trotted over to the other side of the bed and sat in front of James' face. Leaning forward, he began to lick James on the cheek.

"Mmmm…" James smiled and then began to snore again. Sirius then moved to his ear.

"Ohhh…dat feewls good." James murmured. Sirius paused to see if James would wake up. But instead he went back to sleep. 'I so need to record this!' Sirius thought to himself. Now this next idea seemed to come rather quickly but Sirius was extremely hesitant to put it into motion. However, seeing as taunting James was probably going to be the most interesting thing to happen that day Sirius decided that it was worth it.

He rested his front legs on the edge of the bed. And as cringe worthy as this next moment is, please hold your gagging until the end of the show.

Sirius went in for the kill! He plastered his most wet and sloppy kiss on James' mouth. James moved his lips in reply. In between kisses/doggy licks Sirius noticed that James had begun to murmur.

"Mmmm, Edwina…you taste…mmm…so good!"

At that moment, Remus walked into the dorm intending just to grab a book and go back down to the common room. He stopped short just inside the door.

"Sirius, when I said find something to do, I didn't mean-"

Sirius yelped and jumped off the bed, transforming in mid-air. He fell on the floor with a loud "oomph" and stared wide-eyed at Remus, who was still looking rather incredulous.

"My intentions were pure!"

"Right…sure they were." replied Remus sarcastically.

James had opened his eyes slightly and was yawning. For the meantime, Remus forgot what he had just walked in on to ask out loud,

"So…who's Edwina?"

Sirius smiled his most devious and deliciously evil smile, "Yeeees James, who IS Edwina?"

James pulled the spare pillow over his head and mumbled. "Sheez a fend o mine. A muggle. Why you ashk? I dever bentioned er before."

Sirius rubbed his hands together and grinning in anticipatory glee, "Oh, this is GOLD!"

Remus on the other hand was busy sorting through piles of discarded clothes for his book.

"You enjoy a good smoochy ,you and this _Edwina_, do you Jamesy-poo?"

James pushed his doona over his toes in order to stretch his limbs.

"No. Whatever gave you that idea?"

Remus and Sirius looked at each other rolling their eyes.

James continued, "We met at a muggle camp a few years back. My cousin Craig volunteered for summer camps and he let slip that heaps of good-looking girls went their as leaders so I decided to sign up."

Sirius looked rather confuzzled, "Hang on! I didn't think your family did anything muggle-related on your vacations!"

James sat up and stretched his arms. "Well, actually my cousin is a Squib…the black sheep of the family if you will…"

"Ah," Remus looked up, "and here we were thinking it was you!"

"Anyway…" James continued, "Craig spent his holidays trying to blend in with muggle females and so I thought, hey, why not help out a fellow man!"

Remus grunted a laugh, "hmmm, except when helping your fellow man really means stealing all his booty…"

Sirius swivelled violently, almost knocking over a cabinet with his leg.

"Did I just hear you say 'booty'?"

James stood up and attempted to retrieve his clothes from inside the war zone that was his bed. "Padfoot! Don't you wanna hear about how I met Edwina?"

"Sorry old chap. Do go on!"

"Right. Now at this point, I'd signed myself up for a muggle camp based on the possibility of meeting some good-looking – "

" – unsuspecting…" Remus piped up.

"-muggle female specimens." James continued now attempting to put his right foot into his left pant leg. "They were all rather pretty, but not what I would call past 5 on the James Potter Scale of Hottness. Bar one, of course."

"Edwina!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Thankyou Captain Obvious!" mocked Remus.

"Edwina was a vision in white. Long flowing brown hair, deep blue eyes and a smile that would melt even Smelly Severus into submission. She moved with the grace of a swan and the agility of a tiger on the hunt."

"If you don't mind me butting in here Prongs, how come you never talk about Lily in that way?" asked Remus interestingly.

"Well, Edwina was just one of those, ya know, heavenly creatures that one cannot talk about in an un-poetic way. Kind of like Sirius when he's checking himself out in the mirror."

"Hey! I resent that!" came a voice from the direction of the bathroom.

"Edwina and I were inseparable. Except of course for my pain of a cousin who wouldn't stop following us everywhere we went. We never got a moment alone. Except for on the last night when we snuck away at the campfire sing-a-long."

James ceased speaking at this point and continued the task of deportment causing a frustrated Sirius to stick his head out from around the bathroom door.

"And…" he urged.

"And what?" James asked.

"Don't just leave us hanging like that! What about all the dirty details? Like the seduction…the moving of the earth's core…all the mushy crap!"

"I dunno about you Sirius, but I certainly don't want to hear about James' seduction techniques!" Remus replied.

"Oh get off it you two! Nothing happened!...Well nothing worth bragging about anyway." said James.

A rather let down Sirius moped his way out of the bathroom and followed his two friends out of the dorms and down the stairs towards the common room. Remus turned around at Sirius' sulking, "Honestly Padfoot! Don't sulk! You look like a wounded dog!"

James piped up, "No pun intended."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

For the following week, Sirius would not rest until he had extracted every single detail about Edwina out of James. No matter how incredibly reluctant James was to let slip anything remotely interesting. Their conversations during classes were never very productive but Sirius wasn't going to give up.

"So, who suggested the idea of sneaking away during the campfire?"

"She did." James replied

"And then what happened?"

"We walked for a bit and talked for a bit."

"What did you talk about?"

"The usual stuff."

"Like?"

"Like where we grew up, who was our favourite Quiddich team…that kind of stuff."

"So what moves did you pull on her? Did you do the famous yawn and stretch or the 'did you just fall from heaven? cos I just tripped over an angel' line?"

"Neither." James went on writing his Transfiguration exercise. Attempting to ignore a persisting Sirius.

Remus noticed his friends' hopeless plight and offered him some advice, "I'd give up now if I were you mate. He's not going to crack."

Sirius replied growling, "I am not giving in! I _need_ to know what happened! It's a matter of life and death!"

Meanwhile, McGonagall had overheard Sirius' growling. "It _will_ be a matter of life and death if you fail this part of the exam Mr Black!"

"Sorry Professor."

_Their conversation continued in the Great Hall over lunch._

"So, you kissed her right?" Sirius asked, ignoring his full plate of food.

"Maybe. Maybe not." James replied.

"I _know_ you did!"

"How? Were you there when it happened?"

Sirius was beginning to show his frustration, "When are you going to give up?" he hissed.

"Never." James laughed.

"Can't you just admit that you kept this dirty little secret hidden from me, Sirius Black _your best friend_…"he paused for effect on the last three words.

"Look, Padfoot…I'm sure there's plenty of stuff that you've kept hidden from me over the years."

Sirius put on a look of falsified shock, "I've told you _everything_! Everything that I've ever said or done, you have been privy to. There are absolutely no skeletons in _my_ closet!"

James raised an eyebrow quizzically, "Are you sure Padfoot? I seem to remember a certain skeleton named Hildegard, the foreign exchange student that you were allegedly 'dating' in our second year?"

"Who told you about that?" Sirius was shocked.

Remus sighed, "It was all over the school within an hour. Which is a remarkably slow time for a Hogwarts rumour to spread in."

James couldn't believe Sirius could be so naïve. "The teachers even had bets going to see how long you and Hildee would last." James placed his knife and fork together on his empty plate before half standing up, "And remarkably, _I_ was one of the last to find out!"

As James made his way out of the Great Hall, Sirius' stammering voice could be heard yelling after him, "Well…that's beside the point!"

Sirius stood up out of his seat to make sure that his voice was projected enough for James to hear before he reached the doors, "I wouldn't be pursuing this James Ignatius Potter if I didn't suspect you. I know you're keeping something from me!"

James smiled to himself as he left his befuddled friend in the wake of an entire body of gawking students starring and giggling at his public defeat.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I own nothing…bows down before JK…but I do own the plot!**

Chapter 3

When James and Remus finally retreated to their dormitory later that evening, a smug-looking Sirius was propped up on one elbow, wearing his slippers and dressing gown, grinning from ear to ear.

"Why hello!" he cheerfully greeted them.

"What have you done?" asked Remus disapprovingly.

Sirius looked gob-smacked, "Why does everyone always presume that I'm up to something?"

James proceeded towards the bathroom, yelling behind him, "Because you always are!" and shutting the door.

Sirius grabbed his suitcase from under his bed and propped it up against the bathroom door like a chair. He pressed his ear against the door as James turned on the shower.

"Have you told Lily about Edwina yet?" he asked through the wood of the door.

"What's there to tell? Nothing happened…remember!" James replied.

"You should tell her you know. She is your girlfriend."

"Yes mother!" James mocked.

Remus had been trying to read but Sirius' persisting kept interrupting his concentration. He had now read the same sentence four times.

"Honestly, Padfoot, give the man a break!" he huffed.

"That's right!" James yelled through the door, "Can't a man shower in peace!"

Sirius took a hint and retreated to his bed, dragging his suitcase loudly against the floorboards.

In the middle of the night, Sirius was awoken by a grunting noise coming from the direction of James' bed. He moved silently out of bed to find his friend tossing from side to side in his sheets. As Sirius got closer, he realised that James was murmuring softly under his breath.

"Please…Eddy…I don't want to."

Sirius' eyes widened.

"Eddy…no…I cant!"

James' murmuring had increased in volume, causing Remus to get out of bed to investigate.

"What's he saying?" Remus whispered.

"I think he's dreaming about Edwina again. But something in his voice doesn't sound right." Sirius replied.

James stirred. "No. I can't…I'm sorry."

Then he began to snore.

"I guess the show's over." Sirius whispered. The two boys then returned to their beds deciding to pursue the matter in the morning.


End file.
